My son brought home his School Supply Order Form yesterday. Never mind that he received it several days ago and only gave it to me the afternoon of the due date. Just never mind. I’m letting it go, and I think you should too.
This is the enticement offer. The extra little push to get us recalcitrant parents to sign over another hard-earned forty-five bucks not including taxes or the optional items:
Special Bonus: Every basic package will have 1 glue stick upgraded to an Ice Age 3 collectable Pritt stick.*
*Special Bonus is offered to orders received by the due date while supplies last.
Wow. An upgrade!? To ONE Collectable Glue Stick!?!?! Sign me up. Right now. I can’t believe I’ve waited this long.
I’ll pause to give you time to shake your head.
I think perhaps the marketers have been doing a little glue sniffing of their own, all alone in their little marketing towers of pasty ivory. Because the day I get excited about getting upgraded to a collectable glue stick — even Ice Age 3 glue sticks made from 90% renewable resources — is the day…that I…well…it’s a pretty bad day.
Can you picture the creative meeting this entailed? M1 (Marketer 1) and M2 (Marketer 2) in the board room. M1 at the white board. M2 chewing the end of his pen.
M1 — What could we give our customers that costs us absolutely no money at all?
M2 — What about that barrel of promotional glue sticks sitting in the warehouse? We’re certainly not going to be able to sell those before they’ve composted inside the tube.
M1 — M2, you’re a marketing genius! People love glue! I know I do.
M2 — So, we’ll give a couple of free glue sticks to all orders?
M1 — No you fool! Only the orders that are in by the due date. And only if they’re actually ordering glue sticks. And only one. We’ll call it an upgrade!
Ahh, those were the days.
But a glue stick? I had no idea I wanted that. And now, having been made the offer, even couched in the best marketing terms that they could muster for the occasion, well…I still don’t want it.
So, that dear marketers is lesson number 1. It’s Mom that’s filling out the form and forking over the cash. You might talk a kid into wanting a collectible glue stick with all your fancy marketing talk, but not Mom. Why don’t you give Mom a reward? Perhaps a bottle of Ibuprofen? Maybe some vodka? Make it collectible if you must. I vote for the Sexy Daddy Series and slap images of Hugh Jackman and Brad Pitt on the bottle in a Collect Them All series.
Here’s a partial list of other things I don’t want to be collectible:
- toothpaste containers
- pantyhose wrappers, (ooh, extra special if they slap a suitable for framing image of North America’s Most wanted on the piece of cardboard in the middle of the package)
- the rubber bands around the ends of the asparagus. Can also be worn as bracelets! Could be stamped with inspirational messages like “Go Green!” and “Stand tall”
- Egg cartons. Display case sold separately.
- Tongue scrapers
- Sanitary napkins. We buy diapers with cartoon pictures on them for our kids don’t we? It’s a short walk to stamp some picture on a sanitary napkin and call them collectible.
And just in case you were wondering, here’s an article on the difference between collectable and collectible. Collectibles are items designed to be collected. Collectables are items that people collect because they deem them worth collecting. So, a collectible might be collectable, but, as it is in this case, the collectible is not worth being a collectable.
I may have used it wrong here, but in my defense, so did the school supply flyer.
Tell me about some lame promotional offers you’ve come across.