This just out–You can’t ride a vacuum to Heaven. Even a cordless.

Fresh thinking…

Fresh thinking means not only a dirt-free home

But also a stress-free life

Buy our vacuum and you too will have Fresh Thoughts. You will have the ability to suck your stresses away with a flick of the flexible wand (patent pending).

Okay, that last bit is made up (and has some questionable double entendres that I swear I didn’t see when I first wrote it). But those first three lines? Totally real. It boggles the mind doesn’t it?  Someone in Marketing came up with that statement, thought it was A Good Idea and pitched it to Those In Places of Authority, who then agreed that it was A Good Idea, and Authorized The Funds so that Creative could Make An Ad set to the kind of music you hear while you’re at the spa to Sell a Canister Vacuum. Because of course, Vacuum = Transcendence.

Isn’t the canister vacuum idea decades old? How is that Fresh Thinking?

I can’t help but think that’s a lot of pressure on a vacuum. That ain’t just suck wattage they’re measuring, oh no. It’s got a whole new set of performance measures to live up to. Now, not only does a vacuum suck dirt through a tube into a canister, it makes your home completely dirt-free AND your ENTIRE LIFE stress-free. I wonder how that poor vacuum’s performance review goes…

So, Guru Vac, the Robinson family adopted you. How would you rate your performance this year?

Oh, excellent sir, excellent. I think the Robinson’s have really benefitted from my presence.

Is that right? Well, I can’t help but notice that Mrs. Robinson is still suffering from Parkinson’s, Mr. Robinson lost his job, their eldest got busted for cocaine possession, and (I have to say this is the part that really disturbs me) their windows are still quite dirty.

Sir, I’m a vacuum, I can’t wash windows.

Do I need to remind you that Guru Vac’s way is to apply Fresh Thinking to that problem? Crack that cosmic egg! Shift some paradigms! Think outside the canister! Your a canister vacuum, not a CANTister. Ha Ha!…See what I just did there?…Little pun…Anyway! You’re avoiding the other issues–didn’t you do anything about the stresses in their home?

Well, their dog can be their best friend again. I took away all that dander.

You think their springer spaniel is going to fix that mess?

Well, not entirely I guess, but he’s really cute. That’s de-stressing. Right?

Hmmmm. Did you offer them family counselling? You took the course we offered, isn’t that correct?

 Yes, but I hardly think that a two-day crash course qualifies me to deal with the stresses of an incurable illness, a f*****d up economy, and addiction problems!!

Woah! I think you’d better take a deep calming breath, Guru Vac. You are really jangling my aura.

Oh, I’ll show you a deep calming breath! (Guru Vac sucks up the personnel manager with his considerable suck power)

“Huh. How about that? I do feel less stressed. I guess sometimes there is truth in advertising.

And now I’m wondering what the warning label looks like:

WARNING: Transcendence is not for everyone. If you experience any unexpected side effects, such as desiring to save a small African country from the horrors of AIDS and malaria, discontinue use, and seek the professional help of our Guru Mop™. Beware of ceiling fans while in mystic hovering trance. Stress may blow back in your face while emptying canister. If it does, seek the immediate attention of a Certified Guru Blow Dryer™. Do not use during any plagues as it will become immediately apparent that this machine is not designed for actual spiritual aid.

Man, I gotta get me one of those.

A few years back we made the mistake of letting a vacuum salesman into our house on the promise of a free trip for a ‘no-pressure 20 minute sales-pitch.’ At the 90-minute mark, after listening to how this vacuum would solidify my status as an unparalled Good Mother by protecting my beloved and breakable infants from the evil perils of dust and dander, I finally got to the heart of the matter:

How much does the damn vacuum cost?

Just three dollars a day for the next three years.

This vacuum costs (wait let me do the math) $3,000 dollars?! Hmm. Let me think about that. Get out of my house!

But your children! Won’t you do it for the love of your children?

I would throw myself in front of a bus to protect my children. Dust, I guess they’re just going to have to handle on their own. Thank you very much. Buh bye.

All that being said, it’s not like I haven’t had a love affair or two with a vacuum. No wait. THAT IS NOT WHAT I MEANT! Oh honestly. You people are so hard to talk to sometimes.

I shall try again.

There is something about the combination of technology with practicality that I often find enchanting in a salivating, gotta have it kind of way. It’s just so cool! With all that plastic space-age molding, those inventive, winning accessories, suck power that could take the fringes off your area rug, just add some stainless steel paint, and an accent colour and you’ve got yourself a birthday present for Tentative Equinox North that guarantees you undying devotion. (Pool Boy, I hope you’re listening). I know, household cleaning appliances don’t scream “perfect birthday present’ to most people. But then, when have I ever professed to be most people? And admit it, you’re just a little bit jealous that I had the courage to say it out loud.

Let me share another little secret with you. If I had my high school locker back, I would decorate it with a poster of James Dyson. There would also be a DC16 hanging in the back for quick messes. Forget that Duran Duran crap. Okay, I’d probably keep Sting. Not even James Dyson can replace Sting in my heart.

But still, James Dyson is no slouch. Solved the problem of suction loss? Added a ball to the bottom of his vacuums instead of those lame wheels? Frankly, I had no idea the wheels were lame or that I suffered from suction loss before James Dyson came on to the scene, vacuuming his way into my heart. But now I’m enlightened. I know the true path to Vacuuming Heaven. And it’s name is Dyson. Plus that distinguished salty hair with that long distance runner physique and an adorable English accent? Sign that man up for a Nobel prize of some kind and is there a Facebook group I can join!

Wait a second. Of course. There is indeed a Dyson fan page on Facebook. Quite a few posts that say BEST. VACUUM. EVER.

It almost makes it sad that I have hardwood in most of my house.

Getting back to my original point–a vacuum is just a vacuum. Even James Dyson, the true Vacuum King, does not promise that his vacuum will give you a stress-free life or a completely dirt-free home. He promises that it will work and will work better than other vacuums.

I just want things to work properly.

And as far as a vacuum (or any other household technology) goes, THAT’S a philosophy I can get behind.

Do you have a vacuum that you swear by or swear at?

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About Tentative Equinox North

Theatremaker, Homemaker, Thoughtmaker. Great hair, Probably looking forward to my next nap.
This entry was posted in Aliens and uncharted planets, Minor notes in the celestial chord, Mothership, Observatory and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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