Really. Have you seen my glasses?

Because I thought they were right here, but they’re not. It’s not like yesterday where I was rooting around in my purse for my keys only to discover that I had them in the hand that was holding the purse. No, no. This is different. I’ve checked all the usual places — my desk at home, desk in the office, my face, kitchen window ledge, night table, bag, purse, meat drawer, car trunk — and they are just no where to be found.

This actually isn’t the first time I’ve lost my glasses. I’m still bitter about the last pair because they were so cool — brown from the front and green from the side. It took me nearly a year before I finally admitted to myself they were lost. By that time, that particular design wasn’t being made anymore, so I had to reconcile myself to a whole new style — the current lost glasses. And now I’ve grown quite fond of them, so I really wish they would reappear.

Did you take them?

Because it’s not funny anymore. I’ve had a headache for days now. It’s not like I have time to go back to the eye doctor or the $400 to pay for another set just because of the one bum eye.

It has got me wondering if perhaps I have my own personal Bermuda Triangle going on. Because, now I’m thinking about a number of other things that have inexplicably been lost around me. This is only a partial list:

• My hardcover edition of Robertson Davies’ The Papers of Samuel Marchbanks. The book I discovered on sale for only $8.99.
• A bra
• A headband flashlight. (I got this for my son for reading in bed, it vanished within an hour of being brought in the house.)
• a multi-card reader
• the cord that attaches to my camera for downloading pictures
• a box of Lil Ones Yogurt

And may I just note at this point, that I don’t think it’s at all fair that a personal Bermuda Triangle should come without the Bermuda. I think future versions should contain that feature.

So, I figure it’s either a personal Bermuda Triangle that I carry around with me like those cartoons that have the guy with the little rain cloud hanging over his head, OR I have a cross-dressing Gollum with digestion issues, and a bum right eye, living between the floorboards who’s in need of a good read by flashlight and some way to upload data and photos to the net for some nefarious purpose. Perhaps he’s posting picture of his Precious on craigslist.

It explains a lot.

Hey…wait a second. Remember when YOU-KNOW-WHO was coming over and I didn’t have time to clear off the desk that was piled about a foot high with crap all over it, so I just crammed it all into a canvas shopping bag and stashed it in the toy room? Well, I can check, but really, why would I have put something I use in with a bunch of junk? It can’t hurt to check I guess. Hang on a second. I’ll be right back.

So?

So they were there okay? Shut up!

That only proves that my Gollum doesn’t have a bum right eye.