I am away on retreat this week in a cabin in the woods–a long overdue few days away. I need to retreat, re-energize, reorder, reboot, renew, refill–all the res. I need them.

It’s been quite a time since I last posted here. Throat surgery in January for a benign lump on my thyroid, performing in Shrek The Musical two weeks later, fundraiser and workshop for Classic Chic in February and March. I took on a second part-time job in March changing my 3-day a week working lifestyle to 6 days a week. That was change enough right? Oh, wrong. Because we had our inaugural production of The Winter’s Tale this summer. So for a long while when I wasn’t at work, I was at rehearsals, meetings, or a performance. I’m somewhat surprised and humbled and yes, proud to say it was a great success. We’re currently plotting our second production (details soon!).

But having a schedule this full takes its toll. I guess the experts would call it conflicting priorities: 3 kids (2 with some special needs), 1 husband, 1 dog, a home, 2 jobs, a theatre company and a production plus a creative impulse and you have a recipe for one muddled Christina. Too many needs to attend to, be aware of, help facilitate, connect with. My to-do list is a constant source of anxiety and shame and accusations of procrastination and failure from my inner monsters. My life is a bit like living with 20 toddlers all pulling on my shirt and saying “Mom? Mom! Mom? Mom!” all the time. (I’m not calling my husband and kids toddlers, they are all functioning capable people, but they also have needs and potentials that I don’t want to ignore).

I can’t figure out how to make this puzzle work. Is it better habits? Is it running a better calendar? Is it simplifying things? Do I just need a personal assistant or five?

What do I know? I know I must go in the direction of creativity because that fires me up instead of drains me. I know I must build some better habits around nourishment and activity for both me and my family.  That will also energize me (us) and reduce the amount of decision-making I need to do on a daily basis because then it will be routine and I need my decision-making capacities for more important areas rather than “Shall I go to the gym? Yes or no?” I also need to make time for wandering creatively speaking. Not mindlessly watching tv, clicking on Facebook or Twitter or playing Candy Crush. I know I need to unplug, but I need to unplug a little more mindfully.

So a clearer target (living a creative life with a happy family) with better systems (habits that will support a creative life with a happy family) might be the answer.

It also might be time for some other res. Reorganizing my life. Reorganizing my thoughts. Releasing things I don’t need and that don’t work any more. Relinquishing responsibility for things I don’t need to be responsible for. Rejecting the zillion voices clamouring for my attention claiming to inspire, and have me believe they have the answer while just making me feel guilty that their answers are theirs and not mine. Relaxing my grip on it all–there’s only so much order you can bring to the chaos of life, and that’s a grand thing.

For now, I’m setting the coordinates and plotting the course.

I am returning to myself. Writing is one of the ways I do that.