So, as I’m waiting for the light to turn green, I see this sign posted on the back of a road sign:  

Self-Defense

Dog Training

Stop Smoking.

Only one lesson needed. Call: ###-###-####

This is a case of trying to see the logic that links these things together. What on earth kind of training helps you defend yourself, train your dog and stop smoking? I wanted to call the number just to find out, but realized I would probably be opening my life up to some wacko who would park themselves on my front lawn demanding I buy just one additional lesson to lose weight, grow herbs and find my G-spot.  

But really, I want to know.  I explored the hypnosis option, but you wouldn’t defend yourself using hypnosis, that is not a wise use of your time given the situation. Although I would like to think I could hypnotize my dog to behave. Laser therapy? Same problem. Is it some kind of mini-taser thingie? I jab a would-be attacker (self-defense) or my dog when it pees on the carpet (dog) and give myself a little shock every time I want a cigarette (stop smoking).  Could that possibly be it? I can actually make sense of that for the first two items (not that I agree with shocking your dog) but although I can readily understand someone inflicting pain on someone else, I have a problem believing someone is going to inflict it on themselves–unless of course that’s just the way you roll, and if that’s the case, you probably don’t need any lessons at all. I’m not judging, I’m just saying.  

Perhaps for self-improvement purposes you give it to what I would then have to call loosely “your support systems” and they jab you with it whenever they catch you with a cigarette. Then it really could work for losing weight too. “Is that a bag of Doritos in your hand dear? Tsk, tsk.  I’m only doing this for your own good. Really, it hurts me more than it hurts you.” ZAP! Call me visionary or even psychic, but I can also see that having an immediate negative impact on your relationships. But often in achieving one goal we have these unintended results. You know like importing a breed of frog to get rid of a pestilential insect problem and then discovering that the frogs without any natural enemies in that environment and a ready food supply become the problem.  Unintended result. Your dog may not pee on the carpet anymore, but he also bites you every time you walk by. You might be thin, but you’re unable to eat in the same room with your spouse. All you have to decide is the risk of a bad unintended result worth the possibility of achieving your goal.  

I’m calling right now.