I have a few choice words for a few of you, if you can read, and I highly doubt that, but it needs to be said anyway:
- If you drive a big-ass truck, you DO NOT qualify to park in the parking stall marked: “Small Cars Only.” Go find the sign that says “Big-Ass Trucks Only“
- The way to turn right is NOT to wait until the light is amber, pull into the left hand turning lane then make a 90 degree turn to the right and cut in front of two lanes of traffic that are starting to pull into the intersection for which they have the right of way. You are not smart enough to be issued a Standard No. 5 HB pencil, let alone a driver’s licence.
- DO NOT RACE! Not on the higway, not on the sidestreets. I don’t know what planet you live on that you think that it’s fun to risk the lives of everyone around you so you can dart in an out of traffic at speeds surpassing 140K, but I want you to STOP IT RIGHT NOW! Frankly I don’t give a rat’s ass if you want to take yourself out. Find a desert road somewhere and have at her. In all honesty, I’d be relieved if you’d get off our planet and go to one where this sort of behaviour is acceptable, but right now, you’re jeopardizing the lives of people who are actual contributors to society.
- When I am driving a safe distance behind the car in front of me, that is NOT an invitation for you to dart into that space. That is my buffer zone, not a game of frogger.
- Drive further back from me. If all I can see in my rear-view mirror is your two headlights like some double harvest moon with agressive tendencies. YOU ARE TOO CLOSE!
- If you realize you’re getting off the 91 highway at 72nd and you actually wanted to go to 64th–TOUGH LUCK! Suck up your insanity, drive a little ways, get yourself turned around, and try again. Do not stop in the middle of the intersection, back up, and try to merge back on to the highway from the left. ARE YOU CRAZY?!?!
- See that little arm to the left of your steering wheel? That is a signal light. Feel free to use it once in a while. Did you know that we also use it to indicate when we are changing lanes? I didn’t think so.
- I am not going to turn until I’m damn good and ready. I know that YOU think it’s safe for me to go. But I’m not putting my life at risk because you said it was okay. So, lay off the horn already. I already don’t like you, I’m not risking my life so you can get to work 30 seconds faster.
- Speaking of which…why would you turn into my lane of traffic from a side street forcing me to use my brakes to slow down when there are no cars behind me? Why not just wait that 10 extra seconds?
This has been a terse public service announcement from the friendly but high-strung folks at Tentative Equinox.
Let’s all be as safe as we can out there folks.