Are any of you familiar with that song from The Mikado sung by the Lord High Executioner about all the people he has on a list should the need ever come to execute someone? For those who went eh? to that last sentence, a little clip:
Sidebar: I think I actually saw this production when I spent that summer in Oxford. It was really good. You don’t need to watch the whole ten minutes. The first 4 minutes max should do it.
Today, I decided that the Lord High Executioner missed a few people who should be added promptly with no benefit of due process. They are clearly guilty as charged.
- The woman who insisted on using the locker RIGHT NEXT TO MINE at the gym despite the fact that we were the only two people in the very large change room and over half the lockers were empty. AND I was there first. I’m not crazy right? That’s weird. It’s like being on the bus by yourself and then someone gets on and sits right down beside you. Did you not notice there are a hundred other empty seats around you? What crazy-ass thing is going on inside your head that you HAVE TO HAVE THIS PARTICULAR LOCKER AND NO OTHER?!?!?!?
- The fitness personnel at the same gym who insisted that I just couldn’t see the log in button on the treadmill machine. “Oh, no, it’s there.” Then, they’re all shocked when they actually come on over and discover that indeed it’s not there. And thus it was that my 30 second sign-in procedure turns into an epic 15 minutes and 3 different machines. It’s a good thing I’m not SHORT OF TIME or anything.
- Whoever wrote the marketing copy for the new Garnier anti-puff eye roller. I agree that coffee is the nectar of the gods but I would never say my coffee is ENRICHED with caffeine. Caffeine isn’t a vitamin. It’s like saying my doughnut is enriched with sugar. I’m not saying I didn’t try the tester at the drug store, and I might actually buy it at some point. But I won’t feel good about it.
- The clerk at the health food store where I bought the POISONED ALMONDS whose first question to me was “Did you eat them after leaving them in a hot car for hours?” then followed that up with an offer of a free bag of the SAME ALMONDS. Uh no. I think I’ve pretty much seen everything those almonds can do. Oh, but hey! Do you have any hemlock lying around?
Things would be just so much easier in my life if people would conform to social norms, believe me the first time I tell them something and send things through our proofreader at work (she is a force of nature). Really, is it too much to ask?
Who have I missed? Let’s get ’em on that list.