I’ve Got a Little List

Are any of you familiar with that song from The Mikado sung by the Lord High Executioner about all the people he has on a list should the need ever come to execute someone? For those who went eh? to that last sentence, a little clip:

 

Sidebar: I think I actually saw this production when I spent that summer in Oxford. It was really good. You don’t need to watch the whole ten minutes. The first 4 minutes max should do it.

Today, I decided that the Lord High Executioner missed a few people who should be added promptly with no benefit of due process. They are clearly guilty as charged.

  • The woman who insisted on using the locker RIGHT NEXT TO MINE at the gym despite the fact that we were the only two people in the very large change room and over half the lockers were empty. AND I was there first. I’m not crazy right? That’s weird. It’s like being on the bus by yourself and then someone gets on and sits right down beside you. Did you not notice there are a hundred other empty seats around you? What crazy-ass thing is going on inside your head that you HAVE TO HAVE THIS PARTICULAR LOCKER AND NO OTHER?!?!?!?
  • The fitness personnel at the same gym who insisted that I just couldn’t see the log in button on the treadmill machine. “Oh, no, it’s there.” Then, they’re all shocked when they actually come on over and discover that indeed it’s not there. And thus it was that my 30 second sign-in procedure turns into an epic 15 minutes and 3 different machines. It’s a good thing I’m not SHORT OF TIME or anything.
  • Whoever wrote the marketing copy for the new Garnier anti-puff eye roller. I agree that coffee is the nectar of the gods but I would never say my coffee is ENRICHED with caffeine. Caffeine isn’t a vitamin. It’s like saying my doughnut is enriched with sugar. I’m not saying I didn’t try the tester at the drug store, and I might actually buy it at some point. But I won’t feel good about it.
  • The clerk at the health food store where I bought the POISONED ALMONDS whose first question to me was “Did you eat them after leaving them in a hot car for hours?” then followed that up with an offer of a free bag of the SAME ALMONDS. Uh no. I think I’ve pretty much seen everything those almonds can do. Oh, but hey! Do you have any hemlock lying around?

Things would be just so much easier in my life if people would conform to social norms, believe me the first time I tell them something and send things through our proofreader at work (she is a force of nature). Really, is it too much to ask?

Who have I missed? Let’s get ’em on that list.

Posted in Aliens and uncharted planets, Minor notes in the celestial chord, Observatory | Tagged , , , , , | 1 Comment

DOH!

Last week I learned that food poisoning sucks.

Thus, no staggering posts of insightful genius or even a small giggle-inducing post.

The Saga of the Honey-Roasted Almonds

I decided that dough-free month began on Monday. I went by the health food store and picked up a small bag of honey roasted almonds because I figured they were tasty and they would stop me from feeling hungry. About 6:30pm I started having stomach cramps. This went on for a couple of hours. But, I already had a cold so I figured that it had become a stomach virus. Things die down, life returns to normal, or at least what passes for normal around here. On Wednesday, I’m at work trying to finish up an epic mailing and return to the same health food store for more of the honey roasted almonds.

That evening the stomach cramps return, this time coupled with vomiting and fever.

By Thursday, the worst of it has past, but I still feel shaky and intermittently feverish. The intermittent fever lasts for a few more days after that.

So, honey roasted almonds on Monday and Wednesday. Illness on both those days. I’m thinking there’s something wrong with the almonds. What do you think?

Cue the tragic irony music. My efforts to eat better end up with me poisoning myself? That’s something that shouldn’t be ignored.

So, no-dough month has been called off as I needed to find SOMETHING to eat and perhaps there is a less dramatic, more sustainable way of approaching this. Maybe I’ll have a mid-morning almond-free snack.

I meet with the naturopath in October and we’ll create a plan then. Until then, I’ll hope that my few days without dough has cleared the fog enough, that I can better pay attention to how food is making my body feel.

Anyone care to share their food poisoning horror stories? I await with bated breath.

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No-dough month update

I’ve survived two days without dough.

Brain fog is lessening.

Too early to string words together coherently.

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Population of Non-Idiots: 1

Here is the paradox about Granville Island:

When I am driving on Granville Island, the pedestrians turn into idiots. They walk down the middle of roadways oblivious to the fact that IT’S A ROADWAY FOR GOD’S SAKE! They cross from one side of the road to the other regardless of whether there’s an ACTUAL crosswalk and NEVER look to see if there’s a car coming, sometimes even thrusting baby strollers into harm’s way while they sip on the ubiquitous paper cup filled with whatever triple qualified coffee-drink they’ve concocted.

When I am walking on Granville Island, the drivers turn into idiots. They NEVER stop at crosswalks. They back out of their parking stalls WITHOUT looking in their rearview mirror. They negotiate unmarked intersections while yapping on their cellphones seemingly OBLIVIOUS to everything around them.

Is it conceivable that I too am an idiot?

Could I possibly be a contrarian?

Naah.

I am simply in the very small minority of non-idiots that go to Granville Island.

And thus, all is right with my world.

Posted in Aliens and uncharted planets, Autumnal Equinox, Minor notes in the celestial chord, Observatory, Sun | Tagged , , , , | Leave a comment

Autumnal Equinox – Sept 22

The Equinox is here. Fleeting, precarious, balance. Can you feel it?

To acknowledge the Autumnal Equinox, a poem from Gwendolyn MacEwen, who is one of my favourite Canadian poets. Here is one of my favourite of her poems circa 1969. I think it captures our move from light into darkness perfectly. If you enjoy it, you should buy something she wrote.

 

The Shadow-maker

 

I have come to possess your darkness, only this.

 

My legs surround your black, wrestle it

As the flames of day wrestle night

And everywhere you paint the necessary shadows

On my flesh and darken the fibres of my nerve;

Without these shadows I would be

In air one wave of ruinous light

And night with many mouths would close

Around my infinite and sterile curve.

 

Shadow-maker create me everywhere

Dark spaces (your face is my chosen abyss),

For I said I have come to possess your darkness,

Only this.

Posted in Autumnal Equinox | Tagged , | 1 Comment

nO(c)-dough-ber

Well, I figured the equinox was as good a time as any to do it. My big public announcement (to keep myself honest) is that I am going to go a month without dough. I might even try to make it to the winter solstice.

Here’s the thing. I haven’t been feeling great. I’ve been getting brain fog almost daily and I just feel…I don’t know…doughy. Brain fog is the worst. I just can’t seem to string my thoughts together without extraordinary effort and then I don’t get anything done as I find I wander when I’m like that. Soon my family will have to post APBs on me like some alzheimer-esque senior citizen.

Last seen at the Bread Garden. Often follows bread crumbs and bread-smells. If found, please alert the authorities. Do not feed!

I want to eat intuitively, I do. And yet, I think that I’m finding it hard to distinguish between intuition and addiction. I seem to be eating in an addictive way rather than an intuitive way, because even when it doesn’t make me feel good, I continue to eat certain things that tend to be, you guessed it, in the dough family.

I’ve had this before and dealt with it by doing a serious anti-candida protocol. And it really worked. Within a week I was feeling like a whole new woman. Well, it’s time to do it again. I’ve got to do a system re-boot, de-fog the windshield, blow the dust out of the ducts. See? I’m mixing my metaphors willy-nilly, it’s bad, people, it’s bad.

The next two weeks might be a little rough, as my body and brain adjust, so I’ll need moral support. Why is it moral support? What does no-dough have to do with morality? Screw that, I need MORALE support.

That’s where you come in. See that little comments section? Give me a “RA-RA!” or “You-go girl!” or even “You can do it!” That sort of thing. Ordinarily I want to punch my inner cheerleader, but I can’t reach you through the comments, and really, I would appreciate it.

I will report in most days to let you know how it’s going. If you don’t see anything for a couple of days, you should worry. And check all the local Bread Gardens.

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Things I wonder about…

If we have a collective unconscious is it also possible that we’re an unconscious collective?

Posted in Observatory, Wonderment | Tagged , | 1 Comment

I’m not sure this one’s ripe enough.

My daughter is joining the school band this year. After submitting a preference form, we had to wait to see what instrument she would be assigned. This is what she wrote in her planner:

Buy tender saxophone

Do you think this is a kid who still struggles with auditory processing issues?

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Perception and Reality

There is an art, it says, or rather, a knack to flying. The knack lies in learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss. ~ Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.

Just another little brain twister from the friendly folks at Tentative Equinox.

There have been many simple yet really astounding experiments done using prism glasses. Here’s one. Here’s another. The gist of it is that after wearing a set of glasses that distort our view of the world, the brain adapts to see the world in its accustomed view. For instance, after wearing prism glasses that turn everything upside down, the brain will soon start to switch the image right side up. Once you take off the glasses, there is an adjustment period where the world will again appear upside down because the brain has to re-learn NOT to switch the image.

My rhetoric professor once posed this question to the class. A person blind since birth goes into have an operation to restore his sight. After the operation is completed successfully, the patient is lying in his hospital bed and the doctor removes the bandages. The patient sees for the first time in his life. What does he see?

Answer: He sees a blur.

He does not yet know how to see. He doesn’t perceive the edges of objects or know how to resolve that lumpy object in front of him into a recognizable face. It takes time to create that visual map.

Another example. How many of you have had that moment just before the rake strikes you in the nose where you think “What am I seeing?” and then WHAM!. That rake coming to your face isn’t in the usual perceptions or expectations of your visual field and so you don’t see it coming. You can’t make sense of it fast enough to stop it from happening.

We’ve learned to perceive the world in a certain way. It’s very hard to see things that don’t conform to our expectations. In many ways we can only function if they do. It’s a perceptual shorthand.

I was reading a book by Alan Alda (Things I Heard While Talking to Myself). He talks about his time hosting the television show, Scientific Frontiers. One scientist wondered if our sense of smell was actually much better than we think it is. He had someone go into a library (one room, not a whole building), pull out one book, then put it back. The scientist then smelled that person’s hands, went into the library and found the book that person handled. Alan Alda tried it and chose the book right next to the book the person had handled. So, even what we believe about our sense of smell might be just common belief.

And all this has got me thinking about ALL the other limits we place on our perceptions. What we’ll allow to be true and possible and what we won’t. Specifically, I started to wonder about time.

What if time actually goes in all kinds of directions–forward, back, sideways, up, down–but we’ve adapted to force our perceptions that time moves in one direction only? Deja vu might not be a brief brain mis-fire, prophecies might actually (at times) be reports from the future. We might be able to pay that parking ticket before the cost goes up or get those library books back on time.

Maybe it would be possible to have a conversation with an alternate reality me, or a younger me, or an older me.

It would certainly make for a different world wouldn’t it?

Your turn. Tell me, what things do you suspect might be self-imposed perception and reality limits?

P.S.: Go see the full quote from Douglas Adams on flying, it’s brilliant.

Posted in Aliens and uncharted planets, Observatory, Wonderment | Tagged , , , | 1 Comment

I’m being Goggled

Earlier this week, a friend emailed me to say “I’m having trouble Goggling you” which I thought was an hilarious typo. Turns out it was just a precursor of things to come.

Back in June I wrote a post about muppets representing your personality (June 29, 2008, go look for yourself, I don’t want a pingback in the comments). I chose Beaker. I posted a picture of Beaker. The post got about 25 hits total (and 3 great comments). 

Until Friday.

Apparently, judging from my statistics, Friday was when the picture that I posted of Beaker made it to the #1 spot when searching for an image of Beaker on Google Images.

So, since Friday, I’ve had about 75 hits on that post. And it’s still going up.

It took me a few scenarios to figure this out. I thought for a while there was just one crazy Beaker-obsessed person roaming around the internet, who had decided to stalk my image of Beaker by repeatedly clicking on my site to check on him. Then, I wondered if some teacher had set up a class project about copyright infringement using Muppet images as an example. Then, once I realized I was at the #1 spot it finally occurred to me that given there are millions of people on the internet, and Beaker is pretty famous as muppets go, it’s really not outside the realms of possibility that 30 or more people a day would search for an image of him.

Now, I’m of two minds about this. On the one hand, it’s a nice little boost to my statistics (Hey, don’t judge me, I’m still building an audience, and I don’t belong to any traffic-driving networks). On the other hand, I feel like it’s not really a count of people reading what I’m writing. They’re merely looking for an image. They’re in, they’re out. Still, (on my third hand) I guess there’s a chance that 1 or 2 people out of a hundred would then become a loyal reader, I mean maybe if we both identify with Beaker, we already have a connection. Right?

It’s a weird feeling though. It makes me a feel a little Beaker-ish. The Dr. Bunsen Honeydew that is Google has this crazy experiment going and now I’m standing on the sidelines with my hair on fire wondering what the hell happened. I mean, I like writing, and I like people to enjoy what I write. But I don’t like the feeling of being so exposed. I know, I know, I’m a creature of contradictions. C’mere, c’mere, c’mere. Go away. Go away. Go away.

I guess I just feel a little goggled.

Update Sept 15: Up to 231 views on the Muppet post. Who knew that people identified so strongly with Beaker?

Update: Up to 276 views on the Muppet post. Google has now cast me aside and has gone on to fresher Beaker meat. I have to say I’m a little relieved.

Posted in Aliens and uncharted planets, Autumnal Equinox, Minor notes in the celestial chord, Observatory, Stardust | Tagged , , | 1 Comment